It must be the day…

I don’t know if it’s the date and the memories of that day, my weekly exhaustion, or because my son took a fairly benign argument about the bathroom and allowed it to really hurt his feelings but I’m weepy all of the sudden.  Also, hearing the students at work say, “you can cut me” when they mean, “you can cut in front of me in line”, always raises my hackles because of my son’s extreme cutting (he hasn’t done it since February though thankfully).  This was also the first time I had to really discipline students who were rough-housing and tackling each other.  It takes my attention away from the one student I am actually responsible for, and I let them know how angry and disappointed I was with them. They are the role models of the school I told them, they are expected to show the younger kids the correct way to behave.  If my student gets hurt because my attention is pulled away to reprimand these other kids, I told they would likely miss at least a week of recess. I hate it when my voice shakes when I am reprimanding 9 year olds!

Luckily my son continues to enjoy life at school, or so he says.  I’m never sure when to believe him anymore….guess I am grateful for the weekend to enjoy time with family and recover from a hectic week.

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Uncategorized

The Past Six Months

Well, my son has decided to identify as straight, at least for now!  That doesn’t mean things have been okay or even good lately.  The bully has been allowed back into school even though he has missed last 6 weeks of school 2 years in a row now.  He is still in my son’s grade.  We have done a comprehensive job of letting the principals, counselors, community safety officer, and security know that this boy is not to be near my son at any time…oh but wait, you do not know why we have to keep insisting on specific arrangements.  If you have read older posts, you know that my son tried to commit suicide for several reasons last year.  This summer, as we switched from private insurance to Medicaid, my son’s antidepressant lapsed.  We had been to the therapist earlier this one day in July and had finally gotten a refill for him.  We had not been home from the appointment for more than an hour or so when he came out of the bathroom and went out and sat on the couch.  From my bedroom I heard him say something to his dad and his dad reply in a low, concerned voice.  Immediately concerned and curious, I went out to find out what was happening.  My husband told me our son had taken 7 pills of his antidepressant.  Our son was half lying on the couch, shaking and mumbling.  We called Poison Control and were instructed to call an ambulance or drive him to the hospital immediately.  We drove him to ER and the place was packed.  We have 4 ERs in town and the one we arrived at was the only one still accepting patients! The others had so many people coming in, they had run out of beds.  We thought it would not matter because our son was a minor and so would be treated in the Pediatric ER, but we were told they did not have a doctor for the pediatric emergency room and so it was closed.  We had to sit in the ER waiting area with our son, shaking and trembling, on the verge of possibly having a seizure from the overdose.  It was so full there, people who had already had xrays were made to sit in the waiting room rather than their own exam room because they were needed to examine others coming in with emergency situations.  After vitals were taken, we had to return to the waiting room, as well.  Finally, after an hour or more I could not take the strain and just covered my face and pretended I was alone so I could cry.

It seemed to take eons, but hours later we were in a room in the Pediatric intensive care unit, where we spent the next several days waiting for all the medication to clear his body.

It has taken me this long to write about it because, oObviously, it was traumatic for our entire family; me especially.  My son made this impulsive decision, which he said he regretted immediately, on the anniversary of my brother’s death.  He was 9 years older than me when he was killed in a car crash.  I was in third grade.  Now, to help you understand how deeply my brother’s death effected me, I have a memorial tattoo on my back that is about 12″ square.  None of my sisters have any type of tattoo about my brother.  My brother was my hero, and he disappeared in a split second in the middle of a long, summer night decades ago.

I have hit some very obvious stages of grief in the past 6 weeks.  I still cry almost daily, worrying that he is hurting himself every second he’s out of my sight.   If I’m not crying, I’m steaming mad. He did this pretty much in FRONT of us.  The other attempts we only found out about weeks later, this one was right in our faces. That is where I am at emotionally, I am hoping that I will move past it soon, so I am emotionally available for my son, but also ready if another attempt occurs.

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Bullying, Depression, General, Parenting, Teens

Crazy days, no pun intended!

My son has been out of the mental facility for awhile now and everything seems to be going well; He hasn’t hurt himself again since he came home, thankfully; He is speaking to a therapist weekly and that really seems to be helping him identify and cope with his emotions and thoughts; He has a great psychiatrist that works with the therapist to really understand my son’s needs; My son is currently identifying as bisexual and seems fairly comfortable with it.  He still only dates girls but at least he acknowledges that he feels differently about boys; We are taking it slowly, the next hurdle will be school. We are meeting on the 7th to discuss his safety in school and his ability to trust the adults to treat his concerns seriously; I’ll report back after our meeting next week!

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Bullying, Coming Out, Depression, Gay, Parenting, Teens | Tags: , , , , , , ,

So much has happened

It has been a long time again since I last posted, but lately things have gotten so stressful that days easily slip into weeks and I’m so exhausted by it all that I can barely lift my eyelids.  Just to recap since I didn’t refresh my memory of where I left off in my son’s story by rereading my last post:  my son told us he had tried to commit suicide 3 times.  He was cutting himself 75-100 times on each arm about every other day.  He could not resist the urge to cut himself long enough to make it to the therapist in 2 days.  We took him to ER and he was admitted that same night to an inpatient mental facility.  They initially said 3-7 days but now it’s 8-10.

He still hears voices telling him to hurt himself and commit suicide and the facility would rather he be voice free for a day or 2 before discharging him.  He also has not fully gotten the coping skills firm in his mind.  He still thinks that confiding in his other 13 year old friends that also cut is helpful when he is trying to resist the urge to cut.  They unknowingly say things that increase my son’s sense of responsibility for his friends’ mental health and his guilt for letting them down if he cuts himself, like “if you cut, I will too.”

Rather than externalizing feelings of responsiblity and wellbeing to others, my son internalizes those feelings for others, thus carrying an enormous burden, responsible he feels, for everyone’s happiness. 

We are heading right now to visit him again, as we do every other day, trekking over an hour each way.  I’m scared to have him home because I think he could easily go back to hurting himself again; but only getting to see him for an hour every other day for over a week now is so difficult.  I just want him home.

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Bullying, Coming Out, Depression, Gay, General, Parenting, Teens | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s been a rough road since my last post.

So my son swears he is NOT gay after all.  Fine, if that’s what he tells me that’s what he tells me.  When he’s ready he’ll let me know what his truth is.

I found out 2 weeks ago that my son has been cutting himself, often before school.  When he asked to see the doctor for depression, we immediately made an appointment.  We already had the appointment when we learned about the self-harm, but it wasn’t until we were at the appointment that he admitted that he had been cutting for much longer than a few months. He told the doctor he is so depressed because of the bullying at school (not the football bully either) but at home he told us that he felt hopeless and worthless because he knows how much we are struggling financially and him being in the house was a burden (what?!).  He also feels like we only yell at him and make him feel like he can’t do anything right (again, what?!).  We do get on him to do his chores, but it never involves belittling him!  My heart stopped though when he told the doctor he had attempted suicide THREE times!!! Twice by cutting and once by stepping into traffic…I had almost lost my baby three times and I hadn’t even known it. I felt like I could crumble to dust.

He has in the past few days been asking to go to this youth mental facility where a few friends had gone to “get better”. Only my son also says these friends still cut, so I don’t know how well that program works. Why would anyone ask to be sent away from the only home they’ve ever know, to a place that may or may not be Hell…we’ve all heard of the abuses that often take place in those kinds of institutions…? For all that my son says he hates being here, my husband and I know that we provide a safe, loving, supportive home and family….even if there are personality clashes occasionally.  Also, my daughter said the exact same thing at this age, just much louder because she likes to yell.

The part that is killing me by inches is that he stepped into traffic.  I cannot even comprehend…

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , ,

My son says he isn’t gay?

So this weekend my son told me that he doesn’t think he is gay or bisexual after all.  Huh?!? Does this happen? I understand that kids this age often wonder if they are, are curious, and imagine themselves in a relationship with a same sex friend.  But he spent months believing he was gay or bi.  He said a friend of his who has already come out as gay told him that he “liked” him.  Which took a great deal of trust and courage!  My son thought it was very sweet and awesome that his friend felt safe enough to tell him of his feelings.  This friend does not know that my son was exploring the possibility of being gay himself, but it was after this that my son told me that he now believes he is straight. I told my son that regardless, I loved him and it didn’t matter to me who he dated.  I’m wondering if this change of mind has to do with his friend and the fact that my son was unable to really accept the idea that he might be gay.  Any thoughts?

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Uncategorized

Back to Football

Okay, so the football team got a new coach and my son met with him and shared his concerns. My son thought he seemed like a good guy, he has years of experience coaching multiple sports at various levels, and 10 years experience coaching football at this level.  He’s tough, and he expects his players to give 100% at every practice and game.  He told the team that he doesn’t ask them  to be best friends but they were teammates and he expects them to encourage each other, point out when someone is doing something wrong, like foot placement on the line, and for that player to take the pointer without animosity. He has already shown that he is very strict and expects a lot from every player.  I am looking forward to the last 4 weeks of football now in a way I haven’t in years.  This coach seems like he has a handle on things!

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: General, Parenting, Teens | Tags: , , , , ,

Football update

Sorry this is going to be quick, I’ve been working a lot and I am just exhausted.  So meeting went just as all others have…no where. My son finally couldn’t take it anymore and had to walk away from the team. I don’t blame him. He had gotten to the point where no part of it was fun anymore, and that can lead to injuries. He actually had 2 scary hits in his last game because of the continuing issues.  Is hard to keep his head in the game.  Several friends/players refused to play without him there and also left. My son is interested in a new club sport: dragon boat racing/rowing. Can’t wait to see him practice!  I’ll explain more about the meeting etc, this weekend when I have more time!

Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Uncategorized

Wow! Interesting Goings On!

Got a call from my son this morning while he was at school. He said someone had put $100 in his lunch account! It was obviously for him and not an error because they used his name and pin. The only reason we can think this happened was because of the unfair game suspension he was given. The guy is a local attorney, even though the note said from the “X” family. Maybe he is the attorney for the football program. This makes me more curious about the meeting tonight!


Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Bullying, Gay, General, Parenting, Teens | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Can’t wait until football practice, tomorrow.

I am so frustrated with this issue! My son now wants to quit football saying its no longer fun. After all we’ve been dealing with?!?! Am I right in feeling a little, okay a lot, disappointed? I reminded him that he would be letting down his teammates but I guess now he feels that they are no longer a team, they argue and don’t support each other both at practice and during games. I’m hoping that new oversight by the program and maybe an enthused coach will help over the next week or so. I can’t let him quit now can I? Doesn’t he need to see what its like with good coaches?

The bully hasn’t been punished yet either, and now my son wants to just let it go because there haven’t been any more problems. I’m sooooo frustrated!

Tomorrow my husband has a meeting with the director. He’s not leaving until all questions are answered, all concerns addressed. For our sakes, even if my son is tired of the fight. We are too, but we need to demonstrate to our son the true meaning of perseverance. 

Fingers crossed!


Posted by MyOnlySon

Categories: Bullying, Gay, General, Parenting, Teens | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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